Blurting and Hurting
Sometimes people blurt out their reactions and questions very bluntly. Other people are more intellectual in their responses, taking time to frame their words. Words are powerful, and can cause hurt or bring healing. The way in which words are delivered also affects the way we receive the overall message.
As a breast cancer patient, I often wondered why people in the cancer-free zone often dropped verbal bombs on someone they knew was already in a fragile and uncertain state. I avoided people that I knew to be blurters –- those who spoke with no time delay between their ears and their mouth. Some of them actually meant well, and offered valuable help when I was in physical and emotional distress. Others were just plain offensive. A few lacked imagination and empathy.
Blurting For All the Wrong Reasons
Let's try to see this situation from the perspective of a blurter. They hear the cancer diagnosis, and while their brains may be in shock, their emotions go into high gear. When they manage to speak, several things may influence their words:
- their own fears - death, disease, disfigurement, disability
- ignorance – no personal or close experience with major illness
- lack of imagination or empathy – inability to put themselves in your situation
- low emotional intelligence – difficulty perceiving emotions and making appropriate responses
- thoughtlessness – expression of an unfiltered gut reaction
While this may explain the behavior of a blurter, it doesn't serve as an excuse, and may not salve your feelings. To you, these comments may feel like:
- meanness of spirit – intentional hurtful comments
- accusation – implying that you caused your own cancer
- dismissive or belittling – hinting that cancer is no big deal
- rejection – they may put distance between themselves and you
During cancer treatment, you're already faced with decisions and experiences that are beyond what many people around you have ever dealt with. You may still feel strong, but chances are you feel fatigued and stressed. So where do you put your energy? How do you decide what type of response you should give in these situations?
Try prioritizing your relationships: is the relationship with the offending person one that you want to keep –- or is it time to break it off –- either permanently or temporarily? Ask yourself what the goal of your response will be: do you want to help teach this person something that may improve future interactions –- or do you want them to experience the same pain that they just inflicted on you?
Quick! Calm Down!
You may feel like snapping back with a quick response, but that puts you on a level footing with the offender –- they blurt, then you blurt. To avoid this, and remain in control, you will need to calm down. One quick way to do this is called Centering, and it is similar to a Karate Meditation. Close or lower your eyes, and focus your attention just below your waist. Draw a deep breath through your nose, and then release the air through your mouth. Quiet your inner thoughts and feelings while you continue this Centering breathing. Repeat the breathing cycle 6 – 8 times, giving it your full attention. When you have completed Centering, if you're still not calm, you can choose to walk away, stare down the offender, or deliver a response.
Giving an Appropriate Response
Once you have decided how you want to relate to the blurter, set the goal of your response, and calmed down, you can answer in a controlled way. You may forgivingly point out how insensitive and hurtful their comment was, or you may respond with a barbed zinger. If you're a real artist of emotion and conversation, perhaps you can do both! Looking for some ideas? Here are my Top 10 Snappy Comebacks To Insensitive Breast Cancer Comments.
What has your experience been with rude comments? What zingers have you used? Speak up on this topic in the Breast Cancer Forum.
